its really really hard when an ex that you still have feelings for
says that someone else has been more or less the love of his life ever
since they met and it was before you were with them. fucking hurts.
yes i'm crying right now...
i feel like everything was fake. he claims it wasn't. how can that be? it doesn't make any sense. i just wish that........... Gahh why the fuck did he ever be with me? Why the hell was i driven to this point just so it could be like
Me: i loved you.
Him: i never truly did...
I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does a lot.
Its never been me. It was never me. He never truly loved me. I truly put my whole heart into it. Now I can't be with anyone. I don't feel I can trust someone that far again. He claims he cares about me still. How? If he can mindfuck me this bad... I don't see it at all. I fucking feel stuff. I'm fucking human too damn it! I'm not just some goddamned robot.
I think if I could turn back time... I never would have been with him knowing what i
yes i'm crying right now...
i feel like everything was fake. he claims it wasn't. how can that be? it doesn't make any sense. i just wish that........... Gahh why the fuck did he ever be with me? Why the hell was i driven to this point just so it could be like
Me: i loved you.
Him: i never truly did...
I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does a lot.
Its never been me. It was never me. He never truly loved me. I truly put my whole heart into it. Now I can't be with anyone. I don't feel I can trust someone that far again. He claims he cares about me still. How? If he can mindfuck me this bad... I don't see it at all. I fucking feel stuff. I'm fucking human too damn it! I'm not just some goddamned robot.
I think if I could turn back time... I never would have been with him knowing what i
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reicheru.carpaccio
do now. I can't talk to anyone about this and I guess this is why I put it out in the open. There's no one to talk to about this. He did tell me that I could talk to him about these things, but what kind of answer or reaction can I really expect the person that did this to me to have? Its just going to be like listening to "blah blah blah...get the fuck over it. i don't want you and never did!" I wasted a year of my life on a big lie. I was a peice in his game. A part of his codependency.about 2 hours ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
Not someone he really wanted. I was used and emotionally abused by all of this. And if anyone finds it offensive that i put this here... well oh well. I'm not mentioning names, but anyone that knows me can pretty much guess. This is so not humane... I mean seriously. How can someone just do this to someone else and not feel remorseful about it. I don't think he even gives a shit that even after about 4 months that I'm still fucking hurting like it just happened. Its likely he'll read this and come to someabout 2 hours ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
stupid conclusion that "well maybe we shouldn't talk anymore or hang out anymore" thus hurting me further. Idk.. I guess I really don't know how to heal this time. I'm still hurting from what happened, however if by some crazy idea came to his mind to tell me something endearing I probably wouldn't believe it. I feel more anti-social with a lot of people now. I'm kind of scared to talk to people. Sure i host at a few clubs, Those places enable it and its not like you really talk aboutabout 2 hours ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
anything super personal. Its a place for casual conversations. Sometimes its hard since I'm not that social otherwise so I try to more or less whore myself out with the truthballs or the trivia balls or whatever else is around. This is pathetic. A part of me just wants to give up and that goes as far as to stop sl cuz of this. As long as i'm here in sl I'll be reminded of this. These feelings went beyond sl.. Fuck I haven't even been in my bedroom in rl since he left me. I can't take the feelingsabout 2 hours ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
I get knowing that when we talked thats where I was most of the time. Thats where we had our nice conversations, where we were as intimate as things allowed us to be, where we shared so much.. I can't go in there. It hurts too much. I get depressed too much. I can't even open the door and look in because it hurts that much.about 2 hours ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
If anyone bothers to read this whole thing... well respond if you feel the urge. just don't preach at me. We all have been through something similar. Everyone has had their heart broken before and we all know how hard it can be sometimes. Just remember this.about 2 hours ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
I needed a way to vent. Why I did it here in public for whoever to see... idk. I just needed a place and thought this was a place that I could. I'm sure I'm going to be judged for it... then again what do people do that no one judges? my point exactly. I guess maybe I see things like this now http://youtu.be/I6AtnbUzCRA . Maybe someone will read this and understand they're not alone. If that person is you than please by all means message me....im me... w/e and we will talk each other through it.about 2 hours ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
I'm a kind hearted person. I have a big heart and love all kinds of people and things. I rarely harshly just anything or anyone. I feel for others often...even when there are times that I probably shouldn't. You'll notice a lot of the videos I put out there are Chris Crocker (Chris Cunningham). I know the stories. I don't care. He's brilliant. Some people need this. http://youtu.be/hSBY8tNYYrY .about 2 hours ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
Heres a thought. I've never been this hurt by a female. Yes. I am bi. Maybe I should try that again.about 1 hour ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
So with this I've had 3 emotions. I went from being depressed and sad to idk what and now i'm just kind of pissed.about 1 hour ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
sky rockets............ so wish i could... just orbit... i'm not. i want to.about 1 hour ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
i am listening to stuff that makes me want to just jack shit up... fucking vent! Seriously i'm that pissed now. I really don't know what to say although I can think of tons I'd want to do. Sure read this and call me crazy. its a compliment. I don't believe in normal. That is a fucking insult to me. *what I hear*-fuck get something new.... I'm like in bitch mode about so much right now. I haven't slept. its 7:22am which means no sleep for me. i don't care. fuck it. I'm pissed now.about 1 hour ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
pulling myself out of this situation before i explode. it just.. idk pissed me off. I was with the 2 and they weren't really talking about anything big, but just to be in the vicinity.... idk just pissed me off.about 1 hour ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
call it jeliousy? Maybe. Or maybe it was the fucking act with meabout 1 hour ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
Then again... its the internet. How can anything be expected to be real? And the insane part is if actual distance mattered then.... hmm well that still wouldn't mean me but it wouldn't mean.... you know... why the fuck do i care? Its second life. All it was, was typed out shit, some spoken words over skype and intimate web cam stuff... That in itself is all he ever saw it to be. It was never "real"42 minutes ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
Then again.. How am I suppose to expect real when its likely that this person doesn't even know what real is...............>.<40 minutes ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
where the hell is the men in black brain eraser things? i seriously just want it gone38 minutes ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
SSSSSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS33 minutes ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
so claims he read it. has no comment.. should i care? ice...........32 minutes ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
or maybe i shouldn't care31 minutes ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
Why am i wasting all of this energy on something that was a lie?23 minutes ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
I wonder how he feels now about how he has corrupted someone. I will never be who I was ever again. I'm hollow in the department of loving a potential "partner" or whatever. I've given it all only to be fucked in the end.14 minutes ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
you know.. you don't fucking do that to someone. Don't lead someone on to believe that there is something real inside a relationship and then just stay with them for a long time and then leave them to go be with someone else the same damn day and then a few months later tell them hey "she had my soul from the start" The start meaning when they met or what the fuck ever. How can any of that be legit anyways? Is it in his mind that women are like bars on your 21st b-day where you can just hop aroundless than a minute ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
till you find one that you plan on making your "main" bar of choice? I mean seriously. Idk. I find now that when we talk I don't plan on talking about anything emotion related. I don't need to open that door to him anymore. All it will do is hurt me. Its just like a recording device except it replies with "I heard you" or "i understand' or "i see". Really do you? Do you really see? Do you really understand? I mean if that were the case and you know how it makes someone feel when someone gets treatedless than a minute ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
like that then why would you do it? I mean seriously. Are you really that cruel of a person to bold face fucking lie for a year leading someone on to believe a lie? Maybe I just have better standards. I wasn't brought up to do that. Thats just fucking sick! If this offends so be it. It had to be said one way or another. If it wasn't from me then it would be someone else. I'm damn sure of that. I've already had to request a few people not to say anything. I guess now that I have, they really don'tless than a minute ago Love -
reicheru.carpaccio
need to anymore. But either way it had to come out.less than a minute ago Love
Anymore commentary will be added here.
ReplyDeleteI put so much of me into this relationship... I looked past a thousand and one things that I never would have otherwise. I showed him me.... I'll admit there was a few things I lied to him about though. I can't say I was 100% innocent in it all. I made stuff up telling him I was really sick. I was scared a lot of the time thinking he would leave me. Eventually he did anyways.... 4 hours later.... I'm finding out that even the girl he claims to hate now... he never dated. Is there anything this..... idk.... didn't lie to me about? I mean seriously!
ReplyDeleteClaims his soul is in someone else's hands now. Can't give away what never was there. He doesn't have a soul.
ReplyDeleteIts good its fine. He can make any kind of gesture of love about her. Once again. Can't give away what you don't have. He doesn't love himself. He's fraudulent in love. And givin his upbringing doesn't know what it is anyways. I don't give a fuck. Its complete and utter bullshit. He never dated O. She told me herself. He stalked her. Peeping in and taking pics.. Fuckin creep. Fucked up that everyone I've talked to about him that knew me and him as a couple has told me something that he had lied about.